June 29th 2009 7:23

I find it amazing that every time I cry about Matt I have a renewed ambition to change my life and to be a better person. I am now filled with the desire to clean and organize not only my room, but my entire life. I've never actually figured out the way to harness this feeling and keep it going long enough to actually make a difference. This must the be upteenth time that I have decided im actually going to get my act together and change. I really want to be a different person tho. I know I should be happy with who I am, but who I am is currently unhealthily obbsessed with her ex-boyfriend who doesn't care about her like that and never will again. I NEED to change. I just need to find out how to keep myself motivated.

June 29th 2009

I talked with Emily about what happened with Matt today... and pretty much she yelled at me. I didn't want to hear what she had to say because it hurt and I also didn't want to believe it. She told me I sounded like a broken record, and that I needed to stop putting myself out there to get hurt, and that I shouldn't be friends with him anymore. And she went on and on and on about how I need to stop seeing him and talking with him, and how I need to stop wanting him and realize continuing talking with him is only prolonging my suffering. And she was a bitch about it and she was course and didn't soften anything that she said and I was pissed off. But I realized that she's right. I can't be friends with Matt anymore. Charlotte was right too I guess. Every time he's in the same room with me or, when he talks with me, or when he texts me, Im affected, and I shouldn't be. And the only thing that ever comes of it is me getting hurt again and again and again, and then me forgiving him for it. So I'm going to stop... I deleted his phone number, and his facebook, and now I just have to stick with it. And it sucks, and Im so scared. Im so scared because I care about him so much and it hurts to think that I can't see or talk to him, but I know that in the long run that this is the only thing that will help me finally be free of him. I love him, but he doesn't care about me the way that I deserve to be cared about. So I'm cutting all communications until I can be around him and not need him the way I have been needing him for the past two years. That's probably not going to happen until next summer, but its what needs to be done. I was pissed that emily, my best friend, was telling me the things she was... and then I realized that thats what makes her my best friend. She's know what she's telling me is going to hurt, but she's the only one willing to say what I don't want to hear because she's knows its whats best for me. I just hope that I can keep this up.